


If You Weren't So Stupid

by thermowire



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond (Movies), Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: 00Q - Freeform, Bondlock, Crack Fic, F/F, Gen, Other, hahaga, this is so stupid, yay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-21
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-02-05 14:42:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1822147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thermowire/pseuds/thermowire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Q + airplane = ?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> 00q for you lovies!! Q is one badass mother fucker here. I thought of this fic while listening to Stupid by Brendan Maclean. English is not my first language so please bear with me! :)

“You’re bloody mad!”

From the other side of the comm, Q grinned. “Thank heavens you know.” He was currently fighting for his laptop 30,000 feet up in the air. “Fuck! Get off of me!”

“That’s not how you defeat bad guys Q.” James frowned at his partner. “What did I teach you about self-defense?”

His line received nothing but grunts, punches, and the sounds things clattering around the aircraft. “I’m trying to get – _fuck off_ – my laptop, IMPORTANT PIECE OF MI6 DATA from this fucking (a punch in the gut to the assailant, a kick on the jaw to Q) spy of the Soviet Union!”

(From the sounds of it, Q managed to strap assailant number 1 to the plane seat and knock him off conscious, and assailant number 2 is currently holding Q’s laptop the one with the cliché, if it falls in the wrong hands blah blah the world will be doomed blah blah)

Q branch, or more like the whole MI6, is in panic mode. This was not part of the official plan. Q was going to Paris to gather Intel on a possible subject. The only person that can do that is Q because he’s the only one who knows what to fucking do. M decided that no one will accompany him on this mission because it might be jeopardize the whole thing. This, Q en-route back to London suddenly has a dead pilot and 2 men trying to kill him and get his laptop and crash his plane on the English channel, was not supposed to happen. Q was still trying to wrestle out of assailant number 2’s body.

Something made a loud cracking noise and everyone jumped. (Including Bond, but very discreetly.) “What’s happening?” M came striding in Q branch looking very tired. “What the hell is going on?!” He said to no one in particular.

“There are men on Q’s plane who are-”

“TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T FUCKING KNOW!” He roared at the boy. Oh bloody hell, he was an _intern._

“Q just shot one of the windows.” Came the explanation of a minion of Q’s

“I did not shoot the bloody window!” Q said. “I accidentally pulled the trigger-“ His sentence was cut short because a punch just landed on his face.

R was quick on her feet and went to Q’s station. “Back-up’s almost there Q.” The minions were coordination with said back-up.  “It’s 7- no 5 minutes out. Hang on.” R was rapidly typing and shouting directions at an intern.

“I don’t have 5 minutes!” Q punctuated each word with a punch. “Bloody fuck!” With one last kick, the assailant was dead. “Finally you’re dead.”

“Q! back-up in 3!”

On the other side of the world, Q looked around at the bomb attached to one of the seats, countdown imminent.

 _2:45:13_ it glowed in red. “Bomb’s going ka-boom in 2 minutes!”

If it weren’t a frenzy earlier, now was worse. The minions everywhere, R, Moneypenny, Tanner and M talking to Q all at once, interns doing _something_ and James Bond looking like a lost school boy.

“Bomb?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Fucking diffuse it!”

“I WOULDVE DONE THAT EARLIER IF I HAD BLOODY KNOW YOU FUCKING SHITS!” Q packed up what’s left of his things and slowly went to the airplane doors. “I’m gonna jump.”

“You won’t make it!” James screamed and went to Q’s station. “For Christ sake, wait for the bloody back-up!”

“Ah James!” Q grinned. “You’re here!”

“No shit.”

“Q listen to me.” It was Tanner. “Wait for back-up it’s on its way. Were trying to diffuse the bomb from here. It’s one of those wireless things that can only be detonated from land and using a connection.” The minion on Tanner’s left was typing furiously.

“He’s right sir. Trying to diffuse as we speak.”

But apparently, talking too soon jinxed it.

“WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO? 1 MINUTE FUCK.”

M was now speaking to Eve. “Can back-up be there in 30 seconds?”

“It can- No. still a minutes out.” Eve sighed and punched the table. “Goddamint!”

“Guess there’s one option left now.” Q looked around the remnants of the plane he was for a parachute. “Oh look, there’s no chute.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO CHUTE?” James was on his feet shouting at the tiny speaker in Q’s desk. “THERE HAS TO BE A BLOODY CHUTE!”

Q sighed and clutched the satchel to his chest. “There’s no chute. The might have removed it when they were cleaning the plane.” He was only inches away from the opening of the aircraft. “Is this the time where I say my goodbyes to everyone?”

“No you won’t fucking die on me! You fucking won’t Q!”

“James, there’s 30 seconds left. There’s nothing I could do. I need to jump _now_.” He was met with silence on the other side.

“So this is it then.” He held on the something and faced the sea of clouds and felt the plane rapidly descending. With one last sigh, he said his final words.

“SAYONARA BITCHES.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Q is saved by a familiar friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated earlier than i thought! have bondlock my friends!! not so much 00q in this chapter ehh. will try to put in the next!

Q woke up to the taste of salt water on his lips. His head hurts, his body hurts and he’s wet. The weight on his chest is missing and he immediately stood up and looked around. He swayed on his feet and almost fell back down if someone hadn't caught him. “Hey hey, slowdown.”

The one who caught him was no other than Anthea, Mycroft’s PA.  “Anthea? What are-“ Before he can finish his sentence, he was vomiting and Anthea led him to the side. It was a good minute before he was able to sit and look around.

“Here” A water bottle was thrust into his hands. “Drink this.” Anthea sat down next to him and began typing on her BlackBerry and just only now he noticed that they were on a speed boat.

Wait

 _A what_?

“Anthea” he said in a raspy voice. “What’s going on?” his expression pained. He found his satchel on the table, perfectly dry. “Tell me.”

She looked up at him and sighed. “What was the last thing you remember?

“Bomb. Plane’s gonna go ka-boom so I jumped.” He sat up and took the sandwich that was handed to him. “You know my favorite?”

“You always get the same thing from that Café. You sent a distress call back to MI6 and it tipped one of Mycroft’s lines. We tapped in the conversation and he sent me here to pick you up.”

Q looked at her in amazement. “How do you know I was in Pairs?”

Anthea hid her smile in her coffee cup and Q’s eyes narrowed. “You were in Paris.” She hummed her reply. “Were you following me?”

“Maybe. Your brother wanted some sweets. So he sent me to Paris.” She pointed to the side and saw a familiar green paper bag. “Your brother is very picky. The one’s from Harrods were old and crumbly and doesn't have that taste that he wants.”

“But they’re the same thing! They only bake in Paris and they ship them every day to the other branches!”

“I’m going to tell you again, your brother is very picky.”

“Tell me about it. Thanks for the sandwich by the way.” He folded the wrapped and placed it near the table. “Now do continue.”

“Someone from MI6 leaked that a private plane was set for you in Orly and not in Charles de Gaulle. And that you’ll arrive in Heathrow 2 hours later and not in a private airfield in Greenwich. MI6 made a very good job that that will be the info being leaked.”

“I train them well. I was the one who thought of the whole plan actually. We borrowed six planes and made them look identical to each other. But apparently, some thug didn't stick to the plan.”

“I was at least 5 minutes out when my plane was diverted to a field not far from the edge of Paris and someone told me you were in trouble. This speedboat was following you from the very start. The helicopter saw you jump out was temporarily blinded when your plane exploded. We lost you for a second then we saw a heat source and saw you falling rapidly. I only managed to catch your bag and a few divers followed you down and now were here.”

“How long was I out?” Q was given a change of clothes and a wet suit. He set both items to the side and got his bag and inspected it. He took out his laptop and some files. “Shit..”

“An hour give or take, why? What’s going on?” Anthea was already talking to someone to ready the helicopter and have a speed boat ready on the River Thames. “Q, hey what’s going on?

Q was typing furiously and saying very colorful swears at his laptop. “There was a third person, on the plane. Fuck! Why didn't I notice earlier!” he huffed in frustration and ran a hand over his hair. “GODDAMNIT!”

“Hey! Q talk to me!” Anthea lead them to the helipad and awaited their ride. “Talk to me!”

“Ok, so there were 2 men inside the plane who were trying to kill me and were getting my laptop. My laptop was inside this bag and I left it on one of the chairs during the fist fight. What I didn't know that there was a third person! He got my laptop and I don’t know where he was hiding!” Q looked up and saw that the helicopter was there and he and Anthea got inside.

“Were just an hour out of London. Give or take 30 minutes ‘til we reach Thames. There’s another boat there that will take you Albert Embankment. You told me that there’s a secret passageway to Q branch through Thames?”

Q’s eyes lit up at the plan and nodded his head at Mycroft’s assistant. “Yes, just north west of the main entrance. The hack started just 20 minutes and they’re past the second fire wall. I’m trying my best to enhance the 3rd and 4th and adding at least 2 more.”

“What about Q branch? Do they know about the passage?” She handed Q his wetsuit and headphones.

“Q branch is tracking the signal and blocking the hack. The only ones who know about the passage is me, R, Tanner, M and Eve. I can send one of them a message now-“

“No!” Q looked her with a weird look. “They think you didn't make it. Hate to break it to you but I think there’s a mole in Q branch.”

Q looked at her and stopped typing for awhile. “What? A mole? No. Impossible.”

“Yes Q, a mole. How would've your attackers know that you’ll be in Charles de Gaulle? The files having you flight details were heavily encrypted. Remember, _you_ leaked the info about Orly. _You_ alone knows your flight!”

“I background check every single employee in the branch- oh. _Oh._ INTERNS!” And Q was back to typing on his laptop. “M was the one who’s handling the interns. But, how did he get it?”

“Worry about that later! Who do you think is it?” The pilot then said 10 minutes until they were over Thames. “Thank you.”

“Well, there was this guy. Same age as me I think. He was flirting the whole time and asking questions. _Questions that an intern shouldn't know._  Wait, here I’m pulling up his file right now.”

Anthea looked over Q’s shoulder and saw a man in his mid-twenties. Dark floppy hair and gorgeous hazelnut eyes. Oxford graduate. Nice eye candy.  “Justin Sanders?”

“No. Sam Gray. He’s a hacker for the group called… the Rising Tide? Trying to track him down. He didn't come into work today. He’s using all his know aliases to escape the country.”

“Not escape. Look!” Anthea pointed to a figure in a jacket. “He’s at Heathrow. Coincidence?”

“Wait. I don’t get it. If he was the mole, he told them that I would be in Charles de Gaulle and be landing in Greenwich. Then, why is he in Heathrow?”

“Maybe they don’t know which one you’ll be taking? If you did go to Orly, you’ll be greeted with a bullet through your head in Heathrow by Gray.”

“Hmm. No. He’s leaving the country. He has a plane ticket. And he’s at terminal 3. Virgin Atlantic, JFK. Trying to delay his flight until I've reached HQ.”

“Maam, Sir, we’re on Thames. The boat is ready.” The pilot’s voice came on the headphones. “We’re descending already.”

“You know what to do Q?” Anthea asked as she handed him the wet suit.

“Yes, _mother._ ” Q put some files in the laptop and shut it close. He handed his bag to Anthea. “Bring it back home in one piece?”

The helicopter landed on a boat and he got off. “Where are you going?”

“Business calls.” She smiled. “Yes I’ll return your bag.”

Q kissed her on the check and stepped off. “Thanks Anthea.”

“You’re welcome. Stay safe Q.” With that, she closed the door and the helicopter is up in the air again.

“Sir?”

Q looked at the man and he pointed to the stairs. “This way sir. This lady will be too obvious if we are sneaking in MI6.”

The pilot led him towards a smaller speed boat. They quickly went into action. “How long until we reach Albert Embankment?”

“How long do you want it to be sir?” the pilot asked him.

The quartermaster smiled at him. “Is 5 minutes enough?” he opened his laptop and is starting to compose the message he will send to R about the hidden passage way.

“It’s enough sir.” The pilot smiled back at him. “Hold on tight sir.”

* * *

 

“R?!”

Q’s subordinate quickly rushed to one of the older minions “What?”

“Someone’s sending us a message. In _Morse code._ ”

_Dash – dot dot dash – dash dot – dot – dot dash dot dot_

_“_ Tunnel?” the minion asked her. “What is this?”

_Dot dot dot – dot dot dash – dash dot dot dot – dash dash – dot dash – dot dash dot – dot dot – dash dot – dash dash dash_

R stared wide eye at the minion before dashing. “Reply to him! _Activar!_ Reply to him! Activate in Spanish!” R yanked Eve’s arm and M, Bond and Tanner followed her.

“Holy shit. It can’t be…” Tanner said in disbelief as they descended Q branch.

“R! THE REPLY WAS ETA 5 MINUTES!”

“Copy!” R replied. “Let’s do this.”

“Do what?!” Bond as usual, was the only one who doesn't know what’s happening.

* * *

 

“Ok. The oxygen tank is hidden in the back, very small. Imagine a compact mirror. You are only given 15 minutes before it runs out. Understood?”

“Crystal.” Q was sitting on the edge of the boat. “You said there is a compartment for the laptop?”

The pilot nodded and pointed at Q’s chest. “Zipper. Waterproof.”

Q zipped up the suit, put the laptop inside and removed his glasses. “Ready.”

“Good luck sir.” The pilot activated the oxygen tank. “3, 2, 1..” Q pushed back and was swallowed by the murky waters of the river Thames.

The young Holmes dived into the waters and saw the small entrance to Q branch just 5 feet below him. He made his way to the wheel and turned it clockwise until an opening was formed. He squeezed in and closed the opening. Once inside banged his feet on the metal door, banged his fist on the small glass window.

* * *

 

“Where are we going?” Bond said to no one in particular.

“Down.” Was the only answer he received.

Now there were in a small room and he saw a metal door with a small glass window and saw murky waters. “Someone tell me what the bloody hell is going on?”

“I’ll explain it to you later. Now we need to-“ M’s sentence was abruptly cut when they heard banging on the door. M quickly went there and peeked at the window. “It’s him!”

M, Tanner and Eve turned the metal wheel and soon water was coming in. “Bond! Come here and help us!”

Soon, all 4 were turning the wheel, being drenched in pungent waters of Thames and when the door was fully open, they saw someone coming through in a shinny wet suit. He coughed a few times and closed the door and slumped on it.

“Q?”

His young lover looked around and smiled. “It’s showtime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * spot an AoS reference!! :-)  
> ** the morse code was túnel submarino - underwater tunnel in english :)

**Author's Note:**

> review and kudos will be lovely!


End file.
